needles still suck.

i did do it myself though.

also, i got a job. with the guy who made the youtube video “sh*t trans guys say”. yes, i am bragging. i think he’s super cool. we work at a call center in a super ritzy area of mtl. at least they have grass and trees n stuff.

oh gosh my hands are still shaky. i am going to call a friend.

one more thing: my chin hairs look more distinct lately. and i looked in the mirror today and i think my neck is thicker. which is weird but fine.

- shaving off all of my hair except the top and dying that bright pink

- dropping out of school and becoming a clown and / or mime

- having sparkly strap-ons

- kissing it better for you

My uncle, whose house I live in, just demanded that I throw my red square into the garbage. I told him no. He said he didn’t want to see me wearing it—I said okay, since we don’t interact much anyway.

He called Quebec students terrorists.

I just tweeted: Most of the learning I feel like I need seems to be happening outside of the classroom. Doubting my university education entirely.

I have been fantasizing about dropping out of school, becoming a clown, and working in hospitals (maybe prisons too) for more than 6 months.

I think that I will keep doubting and thinking about my degree, get top surgery, and see how I feel then.

A friend just tweeted at me: “Need” is the key word there. What are your educational needs? How can you best meet them?

My friend Eric (kosteloski on Tumblr) dropped this off at the gender center that I volunteer at! A belated birthgay gift! Thank you, Eric!

I gushed for at least five minutes and definitely mentioned being thrilled to own a copy so that I could WRITE IN THE MARGINS. (Look at that, one beer and I’m using caps lock.)

I wasn’t there when you dropped it off, alas, so you could not see me gushing. When’s your birthday?

I had such a great weekend!

I spent two hours in the West Island Chapters yesterday. Then I went to Jack Astor’s with my family. I had some delicious sweet potato fries. Incidentally, if you are an introvert who hates being the center of attention AND it’s your birthday, don’t ever go to Jack Astor’s. The wait staff will make you stand up in the booth/on your chair and sing a silly song with them. They will encourage the entire restaurant to clap and sing along. Fortunately, it was a little after 4 p.m. so the restaurant did not have too many people. The brownies I got for dessert were worth it.

I meditated successfully a lot last night while reading ‘The Heart of the Revolution’ by Noah Levine, a punk Buddhist. The book isn’t as social justice-based as I hoped it would be. I’m on the lookout for feminist/social justice/queer/radical/trans* Buddhist blogs. I’m a bit worried that I am going to have to read up more on Buddhism and feminism and write it myself (I have too many other things I want to do, dammit!).

I cleaned my room today. That took hours. I took down or threw away a lot of stuff from my past. It feels good. It’s surprising how much crap I had laying around.

I wrote a few postcards too. I feel really cheerful and energetic today. This is so unusual that it feels miraculous.

Snail mail birthgay gift from spencerdiamond! Thanks buddy. It’s a super great card. I’m looking forward to re-reading Camus and actually getting to write in the margins this time!

<3

This is my teddy bear, Freddy. He helps me get through my body dysphoria. He gives good hugs and snuggles and happens to be a great listener.

Happy birthday to me.

I had a friend come with me as queer back-up and support, don’t worry!

My dad responded to the email, saying, “oh well I was going to surprise you but uh see I told everyone about you. So the whole family knows. And we got you a cake that says Oliver.”

And it was a true thing! It really said Oliver! They all sang me “Happy Birthday” with the right name.

One of my aunts was iffy on the name/pronoun thing but everyone else was super good. Unfortunately, someone in my birth family has the same birth name as I do so I heard that stupid name anyway. That’ll probably bother me forever.

The party was super nice. I’m glad my friend came ‘cause I would have felt like a socially awkward queer with nothing to say.

After we got back to my place, she and I made a fire, drank wine like pros, and smoked cigarettes in my backyard. We could see the moon and the stars. My dog kept us company.

It was lovely. I feel really grateful and happy, which is a feeling I’ve been having more and more often lately. Concordia—especially being on strike—has given me a strong sense of community and I fucking love it.

just in case anyone feels inspired. my birthgay is april 4th.

books
- ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’ by Albert Camus
- ‘Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood’ edited by Tomas Muniz and Jeremy Adam Smith
- ‘The Encyclopedia of Doris: Stories, Essays, & Interviews’ by Cindy Crabb
- ‘Live Through This: On Creativity and Self-Destruction’ edited by Sabrina Chapadjiev
- ‘Sister Outsider’ by Audre Lorde
- ‘Talking Back: Teaching to Transgress’ by bell hooks
- ‘Pedagogy of the Oppressed’ by Paulo Freire
- ‘Novels in Three Lines’ by Felix Feneon
- ‘Inferno’ by Eileen Myles
- ‘All About Love: New Visions’ by bell hooks
- ‘A Wizard of Earthsea’ by Ursula K. LeGuin
- The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson
- poetry by Charles Bukowski
- Notebooks, 1942-1951 by Albert Camus
- Notebooks, 1951-1959 by Albert Camus
- The Meaning of Night by Michael Cox
- Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay
- Albert Camus: solitaire et solidaire par Catherine Camus
- Mr. Timothy by Louis Bayard

CDs
- ‘Äppelknyckarjazz’ by MOVITS!
- ‘The Lonesome Crowded West’ by Modest Mouse
- Caravan Palace, self-titled album
- ‘Swanlights’ and ‘The Crying Light’ by Antony and the Johnsons

DVDs
- Disney’s Hercules
- A Single Man
- Man on Wire
- The Triplets of Belleville